Repentance and Forgiveness Are Not Dirty Words

Not too many days ago, I listened to a friend lament over the fact that she had judged herself in many areas.  In addition to recognizing that the source of her thoughts and emotions were coming from self-judgment, she also believed they were being caused by the judgment of others. Her words pierced my heart like a fiery arrow. 

I knew that I had judged her, not in an all-encompassing way, but it was judgment all the same. To hear her heart-felt sharing and not recognize my part in her struggle felt dishonest and dirty.  Though my heart was not filled with judgment toward her, it had been tainted ever so slightly and even that was not acceptable to me and, more importantly, it was not acceptable to God.

My heart exploded with sorrow over the truth of my actions. This was someone I loved and respected! How could I have felt these feelings, particularly when judging is not generally a part of my nature? All I can say is that a “little fox had slipped into my vineyard.”

Song of Solomon 2:15 Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.

In my sorrow, I heard the Lord. I needed to ask for forgiveness. My spirit so agreed with God’s. I wanted to ask for forgiveness and I wanted to do it right away. I praised God for His kindness in arranging a time and a place for me to release my friend and myself from the power of this act of judgment. 

2 Corinthians 7:9 I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us.

Once the joy and relief of knowing that I was being given this opportunity to repent of my sin settled down, the reality of what I was about to do set in and fear rose up.  “What would she think of me? What if she didn’t want to forgive me? What if I hurt her with my words?” were just a few thoughts that ran through my mind. I was feeling ashamed, fearful and exposed. My natural self wanted to hide and cover myself.

Genesis 3:7-10 Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" And he said, "I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself."

 In desperation, as the time for my friend to rejoin me grew near, I began to rationalize that it would be best if I lessened the impact of the blow by watering my words down a bit. This was the scenario that I settled on, “If I have judged you, I am sorry.” But, no, this was not God’s plan. I clearly heard Him speak to me, “Not IF you have, because YOU HAVE.”  Ouch!

  

The time had come. My friend sat down beside me, and before I could lose my courage, I turned to her in tears and said, “There is something I have to tell you. I have judged you and I am so, so sorry. Will you forgive me?” With barely a pause, she looked me in the eyes, with her own tear filled eyes, and said, “I forgive you.” Then she embraced me and said, “ I love you my sister.” A warm, healing balm spread over my pierced heart.

Repentance and forgiveness my friends are not dirty words. They are blessings from God. 

Acts of repentance and forgiveness promote vulnerability, humility and intimacy. They restore right relationship with man and God.

Psalm 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Looking back, I can’t help but think that God thought, “Well done my good and faithful daughters.” Why? Because together, we painted a beautiful picture of a Christ-like exchange between two of His children. Believers who were both willing to risk for the sake of love.

Scars of the Heart

I was reading chapter 20 of the Gospel of John this morning and I stopped at verses 19 and 20 to meditate on them and to appreciate them anew. These verses tell us that Jesus appeared to His disciples after His resurrection and He showed them His hands and His side. He was proving to them that it was indeed Him they were seeing, as evidenced by the crucifixion scars He still bore on His body. This passage brought back to my remembrance a poem I had written a few years ago about a different type of scar - scars of the heart.

This poem came out of a conversation I had with the Lord about past hurts. Here are some excerpts from my journal about what He spoke to me - followed by the poem this conversation inspired:

The Lord speaking to me -

"You ask me, 'What is this that runs across my heart Lord? What is this ridge, this road map of agony, of pain, of despair? Where did it come from? What do I do with it? Can it be taken away?' I, the Lord, say to you: This is your testimony. This scar inflicted upon your heart. When you look at the scar - touch it, ponder it and remember.

Remember me.

Do you remember how you got that scar? What injustice you suffered? The violence you endured? Do you remember the shame of the moment? The helplessness to stop the pain? Do you remember?

I Remember.

This is my testimony: I bear the scars on my hands, feet and my side. I bear the scar of the cross so that you might live. Your scars are heart scars. I was there when they were inflicted. I put my hand into that place of pain and I asked my Father to bring healing, to bring wholeness, to bring newness. I asked that I might carry the pain and shame of the suffering you endured that you might live.

I see your scars. I see your pain. I do more than see. I carry. I carry the scars of your heart in my heart. Why you ask? It is my testimony of love. I love. I love. I love. I love."

"Scars of the Heart"

A scar

A ridge across the heart

A hurt, a pain, a sorrow

A witness

A statement

A scar

Evidence of the past

Covered over, closed up

A memory

A thought

Ah! A greater understanding revealed

Compassion, mercy, grace

A new beginning

A fresh start

A scar

A place of remembrance

Healing, wholeness, restoration

A testimony

A story

The scar of my heart.

The cross

A thought, a memory, a story

A statement, a witness, a testimony

A new beginning, a fresh start

The scar of your heart.

The scar of my heart swallowed up by the scar of your heart

Enduring, embracing, erasing

A perfect gift

A sacrifice of love

The cross

The Story of My Garden

As many of you already know, I planted a garden this year. I was just in the mood to see something grow! However, as I work the garden, I am seeing so many similarities in how God works in the garden of my heart. Without me spelling them out and as you read this blog, can you see what I am talking about?

When I first began gardening, it was all about the preparing of the land to receive the seeds/seedlings. I tilled the spot (more than once) to loosen the soil and soften the ground. In the process of tilling, many roots and rocks were exposed. I pulled, tugged and dug to get these hinderances out of my garden spot. It was very laborious! 

Once the soil was complete and I went to purchase my plants, I was advised by the local Ace Hardware garden expert that I would need to "amend" the soil as well. This meant that I would need to add some type of compost or potting soil to make the soil porous and loose so that the small plant roots could push through it. Lastly, I was told that I would need to add fertilizer to ensure the plants have all the nutrients that the soil might be lacking in order to promote optimal plant growth. Whew! This is getting complicated. 

Having done all that, I began to plant. I gently and tenderly placed my flowers and veggies in the soil that I had so patiently prepared. When I was done, I stood back and admired my work. It looked great and I was pleased. Then, things began to happen that I did not anticipate. Some plants came up right away, but others didn't. I followed the direction on the seed packets, so I could not imagine what happened. I checked every day - nothing. Finally I got a clue and realized that even though I gave it my best effort, these particular plants were not going to cooperate! However, I did not give up. I simply planted some new seeds and they grew just fine. 

Things were going along great. Everything had sprouted and these gorgeous little green plants began to develop and produce what I will call "fruit" from

here on out. Then, out of nowhere, 4 of my tomato plants died. I found out another lesson - just because something appears healthy on the outside, it doesn't mean it is healthy on the inside. My beautiful tomato plants had contracted a disease that blocked the uptake of water and other nutrients, which caused them to slowly welt and die - with tomatoes on the vine! Uugggh! I pulled them up and disposed of them for fear that their disease would affect the other 4 plants that I still had.  It hurt me to pull those once healthy plants up and throw them on the brush pile - such a loss of goodness that could have been enjoyed . 

With that situation behind me, I once again admired my nice, orderly garden. The plants grew lush and became laden with their "fruit." One day after a particularly heavy downpour, I went out to check my garden and I found several of my plants lying on their sides. The earth had softened and the fruit was heavy, so they just fell over. No worries - I can fix this. I could see that my plants were going to need a little support, so I rummaged through some old wood scraps and came up with some stakes. These once droopy plants now stand tall again.

My latest incident involves one of my main gardening concerns - animals that like veggies! I was checking my garden when I noticed that my cucumber plants looked a little funny. Sure enough, some animal had come in the dark of night to nibble away at a couple of them! I am actually surprised that it hadn't happened before now. Fortunately, the damage was not unto death. The plant will survive, but it will have to "start over" again. All that growth gone in a blink of an eye. My hope is that the unexpected pruning will actually cause the plant to grow back even stronger. Time will tell and I will let you know.

I just have to say that there is nothing like picking veggies from my very own garden. It is my reward - to enjoy the harvest. So far, my enjoyment has been limited to jalapeno peppers! It is amazing how creative I have been with just one item from my garden. This particular item has added spice and flavor to many dishes! I am looking forward to picking some bell peppers next. 

I will end today's blog on one very important note. A garden has to be maintained! If things are not addressed right away, things are likely to get out of control. Weeds in particular! It is a constant chore to keep them out of my garden. It is almost a daily task, but the result is so worth it. 

If anyone should see my garden, they would know without a doubt that I care for it and have invested much time and energy to ensure that it has the best chance possible to grow into maturity and share its bounty with me and others.

The Power of Words

Words

They fascinate me!

The search for just the right words to articulate my thoughts can be satisfying at times and frustrating at others. For me, words are the building blocks, or DNA, of expression. How I choose and order the words on the inside of me, will determine what my outward expression will look like. 

Expression - as in bringing into the light, illuminating, that which is unseen - making something known.

The thing is that I don't just desire to make words known. I desire to make myself known through words. I desire people to know what is in my heart. My heart is the nucleus, the core, the creation place of my thoughts, beliefs and opinions. It is where my purposes and intentions are birthed.

This trail of thinking brought me to a particular set of verses:

"In the beginning [before all time] was the Word (Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God Himself. He was present originally with God. All things were made and came into existence through Him; and without Him was not even one thing made that has come into being." John 1:1-3 (Amplified Bible)

Jesus was called "the Word." Jesus (Christ) is the core expression of who God is and he, "the Word," brought every thing that was in God's heart into being. All God's desires and intentions were birthed out of His heart and illuminated through His Son, the Word, to the world.

Words come in the form of a divine person. They come from human beings as well. There is something unique and powerful about words and the instrument that speaks them forth and it is this:

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue..." 

Proverbs 18:21(a) (NASB)

I close with this prayer:

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart 

be pleasing in your sight,

 O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."

Psalm 19:14 (NIV)

May the Spirit of the Lord continuously cleanse my heart so that what is expressed from this unseen place is more and more the life and love of God.

 Amen.

The Heart of my Blog

Contemplation is a natural exercise for me. I do it during the ordinary moments of my day, in my quiet times, and even in my dreams. Words in my mind. Words in my heart. The spoken word. The written word. Choosing just the right word to describe a thought, a feeling, an experience is fast becoming a passion for me. I believe that my love for words is a gift from God. With this in mind, here is my first post:

"A gift hidden behind closed doors does not diminish its beauty, but it does diminish its purpose. The complete and natural beauty of a gift comes in the fulfillment of its purpose."