Love Offerings

During a time when light was quickly fading from my world as I descended deeper and deeper into a dungeon of despair, God gave me Jeneva.

She was a walking, talking gift of love. Without her to love and to receive love from her, I am not sure how much longer I would have been able to hold on to the lifeline that connected me to this world. One of the simple, yet profound, things that brought me joy was my frequent walks with Jeneva. I loved being outside (I have always viewed four walls as a confining environment for many good reasons) and feeling the freedom in the vastness of the space around us. Though I was not intimately relating to Jesus at that time, I now recognize that He was still there with me and was for me. This poem is a glimpse into that precious time and a thanksgiving offering to the Lord for such sustaining moments when I needed them most.

Love Offerings

Walking hand and hand, fingers entwined, feeling the smallness of your palm in mine,

Watching your eyes looking to and fro in search of a treasure worthy of your gaze,

Feeling the warmth of the sun’s rays as they rush forward to kiss the tops of our heads,

Laughing as the mischievous wind sneaks up and tickles our skin and ruffles our hair,

Pressing hard against our flesh, our souls move us toward our own private corner of the world.

Arriving, I disappear into a world of chocolate brown eyes, rosy cheeks and girlish giggles.

Exhaling, all my cares evaporate and rise into the sky to be carried away by the clouds.

Smiling, I bask in the pleasure of your small offerings of love - a rock, a flower, a leaf

And all is made right in my imperfect world.

An Early Christmas Present

The Lord gave me an early Christmas present this year - truth wrapped in grace.

In order to understand the magnitude of this gift, I need to share this story.

In June of 2007, I brought my mom from Florida to North Carolina to live with me. She had been battling a terminal illness and had reached a point where she could no longer live alone. I watched my mom silently, she wasn't one to share her feelings, and with much grace accept her fate. She was dying. The healing she, I and others had believed in for so many years (yes, she lived beyond what the doctors had predicted) appeared to be a very distant hope.

I had my mom in my care for 3 days, a hard but beautiful 3 days, before the Lord took her home. Afterwards, I felt traumatized, cheated and slightly betrayed by God. First, we only had 3 days! Second, it was not an easy death, which I felt she deserved given all she had been through in life. Third, God had not fulfilled the practical desires of her heart - things that she had patiently and lovingly been waiting years for Him to do. I confess that though I did feel frustration on behalf of my mom, on a much deeper level, my feelings were revealing something about me. (Stay with me. We will get to the gift soon!)

Here's the kicker - a revelation straight from God. I pitied her. Further revelation - not only did I pity my mom in death, I pitied my mom in life. She had endured so much. She deserved my pity, right? Wrong.

Time to unwrap that gift! There were so many things inside the package - mercy, kindness, forgiveness. Forgiveness, you say? Yes. Forgiveness.

God was offering me the gift of repentance.

(Mom as a teenage mother)

He basically said you pitied your mom when in reality you were the one to be pitied - your unbelief, your fears, your wrong thinking. At that point, He brought the essence of my mother's heart so close to me that I could feel it inside me. It was beautiful! I saw her for who she really was and it was not the weak, watered down version of a childish, naive dreamer that I had imagined.

She was a great adventurer! She hungered for and desired adventure and she had just enough moxie that even in the midst of unyielding circumstances, she believed in the bigness of God for it. Circumstances could not hold her heart captive. It was free to fly before the throne of God with all its petitions.

He liked that. A lot! Even if the details of how she thought the adventure would happen didn't match up with His plan, He so loved her for daring to believe in greatness, in His greatness, and for taking that risk. A great adventure does not come without great risk.

(Mom with the girls prior to her diagnosis)

I repented of all my wrong thinking toward my mom. I felt the warmth of God's acceptance and the balm of His forgiveness as He applied it to this area of my life. I will never see my mother the same again. Praise God! She is no longer an object of pity to me. She is now a person, a spirit, of inspiration!

God went on to share with me that an "adventurous heart" is part of my family's spiritual inheritance. I could either embrace it or struggle against it. It was not going away.

I embrace it and cry out to God for the strength to hold on to it as I stretch toward the bar of faith and belief that my mother set. May the bar grow ever higher and the risks ever greater for your glory and your glory alone Lord. May you bless my family line for generations to come with this adventurous heart. May stories be told throughout all heaven and earth of my family's great and mighty acts of faith. May it be so.

(How's that mom? Am I getting it? Am I on the right path? I have no doubt that in the same spirit of adventure and boldness, you went before the throne of God on my behalf and petitioned Him to to set me free - that I and all your family might benefit from the sharing of this truth - We were created for adventure! Thanks mom. Keep praying for us for the temptations and distractions are many!)

In Search of a Gift

In this "great awakening" season of my life, I have made yet another wonderful discovery. 

I love a story!

I recently went on an excursion, a treasure hunt! Granted, it was in my mind, but it was a hunt none the less. What kind of treasure was I looking for?

 

A Gift

Not a present with a pretty bow on it, but gift as in

Giftedness 

I took my mental voyage all the way back to my childhood (waaaay back) to see if I could recognize a giftedness that had always been there, but had never been cultivated, that had been lying dormant due to lack of something - resources, encouragement, circumstances, etc. 

Was I an artist, a musician, an actor in the making who just never caught a break?

I searched and searched my memories. I liked music. Did I have a hidden musical gift? I liked writing poetry. Was I a poet and just didn't know it (alright - old joke). Reading was high on my list. Not sure there is a gift of reading. Day dreaming was seriously one of my favorite past times. It felt like a gift. These were nice memories, but I wanted treasure! I kept pondering things on my own and then I finally "got a clue" and petitioned God to help me find my special area of giftedness. God loves to reveal things to us....

"I will give you the treasures of darkness,

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the LORD,

the God of Israel, who summons you by name."

Isaiah 45:3 (NIV)

He prompted me to think about what my "likes" had in common. With a little more probing on my part and prompting on God's, I got it! What He was showing me was that all my "likes" were ways of telling a story. 

Songs tell a story. Books tell stories. Poetry. Story. Day dreaming. Best kind of story.

Once I had a dream that I was having a conversation with God. Do you know what was the only thing I remembered about that conversation when I woke up? 

God likes fairy tales! 

Apparently, if my dream conversation is valid -

God loves a story too! 

The gospel being the greatest story ever told! 

The gospel is no fairy tale, but it does have a hero. His name is Jesus and He is our rescuer and defender. He came to the earth to sweep the damsel in distress, His betrothed, off her feet and into His arms for eternity. 

 

"I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice,
In lovingkindness and in compassion,

And I will betroth you to me in faithfulness."

Hosea 2:19-20(NASB)

Thank you God for writing your story on the tablet of my heart.

Back to the search for my gift(s)...

Is the love of a story a gift? Not necessarily, but the knowledge that my love of a story is a fundamental part of who I am is a present! 

My treasure hunt continues....

The Heart of my Blog

Contemplation is a natural exercise for me. I do it during the ordinary moments of my day, in my quiet times, and even in my dreams. Words in my mind. Words in my heart. The spoken word. The written word. Choosing just the right word to describe a thought, a feeling, an experience is fast becoming a passion for me. I believe that my love for words is a gift from God. With this in mind, here is my first post:

"A gift hidden behind closed doors does not diminish its beauty, but it does diminish its purpose. The complete and natural beauty of a gift comes in the fulfillment of its purpose."