Ode to a Friend

I have a new friend in my life and she is already so, so precious to me. We had shared a few short conversations over the past several years, but this year all that changed. We became more intimately involved in each other’s lives as a result of a shared experience – one that I had gone through and one that she is currently going through. Conversation after conversation took place and wondrously, we began to see that we had so much more in common than our trials.

Though we are alike in many ways, there is a distinct difference between us. She has the gift of mercy and I have the gift of prophecy. As a result, we see many situations from different perspectives. I will be quick to speak truth and she will just as quickly extend mercy. I am not saying that she doesn’t speak truth and I don’t extend mercy, but I am saying that these are our first response reactions. The difference is so apparent at times that we laugh out loud, finding humor in it. The thing we both share that helps balance out both our gifts is our desire to do all things in love.

A couple of Sundays ago, I was sitting beside this friend in church when a revelation hit my heart like a beautiful, energizing bolt of lighting. I turned to her and said, “I have to tell you something.” The power of the revelation was so strong that it took me a minute to be able to speak. Finally, I said, “You are a gift to me. You are going to teach me how to love fearlessly. ” We shared a special moment and then went our own ways. A short time later, I got a phone call from her and she said with excitement in her voice, “I know what you are teaching me.” I said, “You do?” She said, “Yes. You are teaching me how to have courageous hope.” How marvelous is this: “Tender Mercy teaching Fearless Love” meets “Lover of Truth teaching Courageous Hope.” What a pair!

I wrote this poem to honor the lovely thing God is doing in my friend and me.

The Meeting of Two Hearts

Tender shoots of Fearless Love

Stretching toward the Light above

The beating wings of a gentle dove

Deliver freedom yet dreamed of

Binding roots of Courageous Hope

Clinging to life’s most grueling slopes

Though in darkness you may grope

In God’s brightness you boldly lope

Here we have two lives intertwined

Connected by Perfect Love divine

Broken bread and poured out wine

Firming your heart, softening mine

After I wrote my poem, I found this amazing verse which sums up my thoughts perfectly.

Psalm 85:10 Mercy and truth have met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other.

Love Offerings

During a time when light was quickly fading from my world as I descended deeper and deeper into a dungeon of despair, God gave me Jeneva.

She was a walking, talking gift of love. Without her to love and to receive love from her, I am not sure how much longer I would have been able to hold on to the lifeline that connected me to this world. One of the simple, yet profound, things that brought me joy was my frequent walks with Jeneva. I loved being outside (I have always viewed four walls as a confining environment for many good reasons) and feeling the freedom in the vastness of the space around us. Though I was not intimately relating to Jesus at that time, I now recognize that He was still there with me and was for me. This poem is a glimpse into that precious time and a thanksgiving offering to the Lord for such sustaining moments when I needed them most.

Love Offerings

Walking hand and hand, fingers entwined, feeling the smallness of your palm in mine,

Watching your eyes looking to and fro in search of a treasure worthy of your gaze,

Feeling the warmth of the sun’s rays as they rush forward to kiss the tops of our heads,

Laughing as the mischievous wind sneaks up and tickles our skin and ruffles our hair,

Pressing hard against our flesh, our souls move us toward our own private corner of the world.

Arriving, I disappear into a world of chocolate brown eyes, rosy cheeks and girlish giggles.

Exhaling, all my cares evaporate and rise into the sky to be carried away by the clouds.

Smiling, I bask in the pleasure of your small offerings of love - a rock, a flower, a leaf

And all is made right in my imperfect world.

Phoenix Rising

I am taking an on-line writing class called "Write Your Story." My cyber classmates are wonderful. We share our writing assignments and encourage each other along the way. Many of the stories are heartbreaking, but all of them are inspiring. For one assignment, we had to make a list of events and cultural and personal history that made a significant impact on us. One classmate's list in particular made a huge impact on me. It was so full of imagery and emotion that "poem" jumped out at me right off the page. I took her list and wrote a poem in her honor.

I sent her the poem, but I did not hear back from her. I thought, "Oh no, I have crossed personal boundaries and offended her." Then yesterday I receive a note from her. She had been out of town at a hospital helping care for her mother who has cancer. Apparently, she and her mother still have some unresolved issues and the visit just stirred all those things up. She also shared with me that she was on the verge of giving up on the class and writing her story, then she saw my poem. Quoting her:

"You have given me so much with this poem. You've shown me I do have the strength and the determination to succeed. Thank you, thank you, thank you."

This is why I write. Maybe it will speak to someone else today. I know I identified with it.

Phoenix Rising

Visible cracks appear in the foundation of my life

Insanity pushes its black, moldy head into the light of day

My emotions are bankrupt and I am left without feeling

Towering walls are ever before me, blocking my escape

A quiet mind opens the door to memories - tears flow

Hope is found in love remembered and love offered

Like a phoenix, I rise out of the ashes of my circumstances

Free to fly into the future, unfettered by the past.

A Work in Progress

Hey Everyone,

I am in the process of applying for a volunteer position with an organization called Interact. This organization provides support and services to abused and battered women and their children. Actually, this is the same organization I had to turn to many years ago when I "escaped" my first marriage and, without going into any details, trust me "escape" is the right word. My daughter and I lived in a shelter provided by Interact for 6 weeks. It is an experience we will never forget. Perhaps I will write more about that later.

Pray that I will get the position at Interact that I am going after. I am applying to be a spokesperson for them. This entails going out into the community and informing groups and organizations about the services that Interact provides and its impact on the lives they serve. Here is the website for Wake county (NC) if you want to visit it: http://www.interactofwake.org/

After researching Interact's website and reading/watching some of their Facebook posts, I was inspired to write the following poem. It is a mixture of what I actually endured, thoughts, feelings, experiences, and what I have seen others endure. I am posting 3 stages of this poem. I thought someone might like to see how I end up with some of my poems - an inside peek into a writer's world. Much of my writing comes like a direct download and I make few changes, but some writing I ponder and change a lot to find just the right feel. I would be curious to hear from you what you think about the process and which version of this poem spoke to you the most.

Blessings!

Carol

#1

The Answer Revealed

Broken bones and battered flesh

Pain running through my veins

Fear inhabiting my every thought

A walking prisoner in a free world

Where do I go from here?

Stretching forth my hand for rescue

Finding nothingness for my effort

Trust a shadow in the recesses of my soul

Freedom a fantasy of biblical proportions

Where do I seek refuge?

Numbness slowing infiltrating my heart

Death methodically encroaching on living tissue

The light of my spirit ever losing ground

Existence melting into a pool of lost identity

Where is life to be found?

A spark of desire for something more

Pursuing the elusive gift of purpose

Yearnings for a destiny unveiled

Whisperings of potential and possibilities

Where can I be known?

Drawn out by a beautiful song of hope

Uncertainty crushed by the power of faith

Seized by love in its perfect form

Jesus, Son of Man and God

My answer revealed

#2

My Questions Answered

I am broken bones and battered flesh

Red-hot pain courses through my veins

All consuming fear inhabits my every thought

A prisoner in a world void of meaning

Where do I go from here?

I have been taken captive by lies and circumstances

Desperately searching for a way out of this dark pit

The gravitational pull of uncertainty is too strong

Trust remains a shadow hidden in the recesses of my soul

How do I escape this place?

Numbness slowly infiltrates the chambers of my heart

Death methodically encroaches on my right to live

The light of my spirit is losing ground inch by inch

My existence is melting into a pool of lost identity

Who will save me?

Dormant desires for significance flare up within me

Fanned by the whisperings of potential and possibilities

Yearnings for a destiny fulfilled are suddenly birthed

Pursuit for the elusive understanding of purpose ensues

What now?

The song of the Master restores my empty hope

My inhibitions are crushed beneath His dancing feet

Liberation comes to me through His perfect love

My questions are answered

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…

#3

The Captive Set Free

Flesh battered and bruised

Veins full of red-hot pain

Thoughts infected by fear

Fighting for survival

A heart crushed by despair

A soul numbed by hopelessness

A spirit robbed of joy

An identity long forgotten

Restrained by lies and circumstances

Desperately searching for liberation

Uncertainty a constant companion

Confidence a figment of the imagination

Yet, in the heat of battle, I remember…

Dormant desires flare up

Yearnings for destiny ignite

Whisperings of possibilities erupt

Purpose looms on the horizon

The heavenly Master sings a song of deliverance

Shackles are crushed beneath His dancing feet

Escape comes through His perfect love

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…

My Now

This poem was inspired by a devotional sent out by one of my dear friends. I am sure I am not interpreting her devotional exactly how she meant it and you may find yourself not interpreting this poem exactly how I meant it. That is the beauty of the Spirit - He speaks to each person's understanding.

My Now

My Past was once ever before me

Like a constant wall blocking my way

I could not go around it, over it or through it

No escaping the shadow it cast over my life

I walked in fear of the unknown and the unseen

Blindly groping forward

My Present was once unhinged

Like a constant swinging door

Pushing me backward and forward in time

No sure ground on which to plant my feet

I walked in fear of the unknown and the unseen

Wavering from moment to moment

My Future was once concealed

Like the inside of a circus fun house

Confusion and deception at every turn

No exit sign to be found anywhere

I walked in fear of the unknown and the unseen

Imprisoned in uncertainty

My Now (past, present and future)

Is held in the hands of the Great I Am

An "in the moment" place where

I can be sure of what I hope for

And certain of what I do not see

Freed to Be

I encourage anyone who feels stuck in the past or paralyzed by the future to seek shelter in God and let Him lead you and instruct you on how to live your life in the Now moment with Him. I find that the more I trust Him with my Now life, the more I am at rest. Doesn't rest sound good?

Stones of Unbelief

I wrote this poem in response to a recent encounter I had with God regarding an area in my life where I struggle with unbelief. I called out to Him for help. According to Mark 9:24, I am not the first person to do so: Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

Do you struggle with unbelief? If so, I encourage you to invite God into that place and ask Him what He wants to do with it and then let Him do it. I saw my unbelief as a stone in my soul that God wanted to remove. You may see something else, but equally as powerful. After writing this poem, I couldn't help put ponder this: If faith the size of a mustard seed enables me to move mountains, then what does unbelief the size of a large stone prevent me from moving? I give thanks to my Lord for helping me overcome my unbelief - for making a way for me to enter into a place where the impossible becomes possible!

Stones of Unbelief

Come be with me in this secret place

Where all things unseen and unheard

Are revealed in the glory of your presence

And darkness flees the light

Here I place myself on your altar of mercy

Inviting you to operate in the unknown realm

That is the innermost part of my being

You are the Great Physician

Make the cut, pull back the flesh and

Insert your healing hand into my soul

Push through the gray matter of doubt

That clogs the ancient pathways

Extract the ugly stones of my unbelief

Which lie hidden in the pit of my stomach

Weighing me down with their heaviness

Holding me captive to their influence

Awake! Awake! Oh, my sleeping soul

Rise up and give praise to the Lord!

Rejoice in the beauty of faith renewed

Dare to believe!

Your Grace is Sufficient for Me

I wrote the following poem for the art board we have at our church. Each month there is a theme and anyone in the church can post a created work of art - painting, photography,writing, etc. This month's theme is grace. I love God's grace. I embrace it now, but that was not always the case. Contemplating this theme of grace, I remembered a day when I challenged God and in my weakened and messed up state, wanting His judgment over His grace. Life had severely beaten me down and I was very, very weary. I wanted to die. I could not bring myself to end my own life, so I thought if I provoked God, maybe He would give me the judgment I felt I deserved and He would take my life. In reality, in my heart of hearts, I recognized that the existence of God was my only hope and therefore, I desperately needed Him to reveal Himself to me. Thank goodness He is real and He did came to me in my darkest hour with life transforming power! Grace, grace, grace abounded! (Ironically, it wasn't in the scene I have described. It was a few months later. I will have to blog about it another time.)

The first part of this poem is based on my actual actions and the second part is based on a dream. Both come together to form a beautiful interpretation of God's grace toward me.

“Your Grace is Sufficient for Me”

I stand in an open field,

Watching the approaching storm.

I think to myself, “So, this is how it is to be.”

You have come to answer the challenge of my heart

And you have brought wind, thunder,

And lightning as your allies. I am ready.

Arms at my side, feet firmly planted,

I lift my face to the skies and I cry out,

“If you are real, reveal yourself to me! I dare you!”

My mind wonders, my thoughts drift.

“Strike me if you must, just show me if you are here.”

There, the words have gone forth.

My heart aches as I await your reply.

The pain held there cannot be endured much longer.

“Show me or I will surely die!” I whisper.

Raindrops begin to pelt my face.

Their sting is sharp and brings relief in some small way.

This is what I deserve, right? This is what I expect.

After all, I have been unfaithful.

My unbelief permeates the air even now.

The storm is directly above me.

I look up and brace myself for your judgment.

I hear familiar voices in my head calling to me,

“Run! Take shelter! Hide!”

I resist the temptation. I refuse to be moved.

I must know the truth. Here. Now.

Slowing the sky begins to change.

The blackness is peeled back.

Radiant light and deep blue skies appear.

The heavens are open and

Something is falling. Flowers!

Sweet, delicate flowers rain down on me.

Wait! What is this?

Where is my judgment?

The answer comes quickly and with

Beautiful, wonderful revelation.

“My grace.”

You laugh, I laugh. Joy washes over me.

I begin to dance.

Your grace is sufficient for me…

More Poetry

I am cheating a little on my blog today. I found some of my old poetry and thought I would "recycle" it. I have rewritten the poems a bit, so technically they are new. I guess this beautiful spring-like weather is inspiring me to be poetic! Speaking on inspiration, I just realized that my inspiration for both of these poems could have come from Exodus chapter 3 where God speaks to Moses from a burning bush. The "I AM" and holy fire themes are both in this chapter. Actually, I believe the first poem was inspired by a Sunday school lesson I was teaching. The second one most likely came to me during a time of seeking God's refinement. Stay tuned, I might find and post more old poetry. I save everything!

The Great “I AM”

“What is your name? Who shall I say you are?”

God speaks: “I AM WHO I AM”

The power of His voice goes forth

Reverberating throughout all creation

In the mighty clap of thunder

And the gentle splash of the raindrop

In the rumbling of the earthquake

And the gurgling of the mountain stream

In the fierce roar of the lion

And the gentle beating of the bird’s wings

In the warrior’s cry of triumph

And the newborn baby’s cry

Listen! Feel! Know!

The God of yesterday, today and forever

Is making His name known in the hearts of men

The Great "I AM"

HOLY FIRE

Look! There on the mountain!

A holy fire! A man within!

Righteous and pure and without sin

Burning bright, burning true

Beckoning to me, “I’ll see you through”

The journey begins here where I stand

Not hallowed ground, but right where I am

Bleeding feet and scarred knees

Is what this mountain is doing to me

Treacherous cliffs, from some I hang

Does He see me? Does He see my pain?

Yes! An outstretched arm, a helping hand

Back on my feet, now able to stand

The fire there is still calling you see

But wait, what is this change in me?

Oh, what a wonderful and glorious sight!

A gift of Hind’s feet for the climb through the night!

Upward, upward I must go

Never looking down, never looking below

At last, here I am at journeys end

He calls my name and I enter in

This all-consuming fire that is eternally Him

To be united with Him in one accord

This is my destination! This is my reward!

Scars of the Heart

I was reading chapter 20 of the Gospel of John this morning and I stopped at verses 19 and 20 to meditate on them and to appreciate them anew. These verses tell us that Jesus appeared to His disciples after His resurrection and He showed them His hands and His side. He was proving to them that it was indeed Him they were seeing, as evidenced by the crucifixion scars He still bore on His body. This passage brought back to my remembrance a poem I had written a few years ago about a different type of scar - scars of the heart.

This poem came out of a conversation I had with the Lord about past hurts. Here are some excerpts from my journal about what He spoke to me - followed by the poem this conversation inspired:

The Lord speaking to me -

"You ask me, 'What is this that runs across my heart Lord? What is this ridge, this road map of agony, of pain, of despair? Where did it come from? What do I do with it? Can it be taken away?' I, the Lord, say to you: This is your testimony. This scar inflicted upon your heart. When you look at the scar - touch it, ponder it and remember.

Remember me.

Do you remember how you got that scar? What injustice you suffered? The violence you endured? Do you remember the shame of the moment? The helplessness to stop the pain? Do you remember?

I Remember.

This is my testimony: I bear the scars on my hands, feet and my side. I bear the scar of the cross so that you might live. Your scars are heart scars. I was there when they were inflicted. I put my hand into that place of pain and I asked my Father to bring healing, to bring wholeness, to bring newness. I asked that I might carry the pain and shame of the suffering you endured that you might live.

I see your scars. I see your pain. I do more than see. I carry. I carry the scars of your heart in my heart. Why you ask? It is my testimony of love. I love. I love. I love. I love."

"Scars of the Heart"

A scar

A ridge across the heart

A hurt, a pain, a sorrow

A witness

A statement

A scar

Evidence of the past

Covered over, closed up

A memory

A thought

Ah! A greater understanding revealed

Compassion, mercy, grace

A new beginning

A fresh start

A scar

A place of remembrance

Healing, wholeness, restoration

A testimony

A story

The scar of my heart.

The cross

A thought, a memory, a story

A statement, a witness, a testimony

A new beginning, a fresh start

The scar of your heart.

The scar of my heart swallowed up by the scar of your heart

Enduring, embracing, erasing

A perfect gift

A sacrifice of love

The cross

Victim to Victor

Today I was reading the verses about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane (Luke 22:40 : Matt 26:36-46; Mark 14:32-42) and I began to contemplate how he must have felt as he faced the ordeal of the cross that was to come. I wondered if he was so distraught because he knew for the first time in his existence, he would be alone - set apart from his earthy friends and family, separated from his Father. This got me to thinking about the times that I have felt alone. Most of these times have been when I have been a victim to someone else's ungodly will. Now, I do not in any way believe Jesus was a victim. I know that he chose his path and could have changed his mind at any time. I guess I am just trying to say that I know that Jesus can relate to how it feels to be utterly alone and subject to peoples' ungodly desires. It lead me to write the following poems (or lines, not sure they are poems). The first is how I felt as a victim and the second is how I felt, and still feel, as a victor in Christ.

"Victim"

Silent screams

Begging heart

Longing for mercy

Needing rescue

Desperate

Trapped

Terror

Pleading

Humiliation

Deep Sorrow

Released at last

Overwhelming relief

Will know better next time

New strategies imagined

Escape routes planned

Be Still - Be small

Shhhh....

"Victor"

Out of the deep darkness comes a great Light extending His hand to me.

Lifting me higher and higher until the things of my past are just

A shadow in time

A sliver of darkness

A vapor of remembrance

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth."

(Psalm 121:1-2)

I will not look back for my heart is in the hands of the Keeper of Hearts.

Precious, gentle, tender care and restoration belong to Him.

I have found my resting place, my safe refuge.

I will not be moved.

The Divine Exchange

My Inborn Image of Me...

Depraved, corrupt, polluted, defiled, contaminated, evil, wicked, immoral, crooked, bent, rough, irregular, sinful, bad, harmful, naughty, misbehaving, mischievous, , impish, self-indulgent, self-pitying, weak, childish, wallowing, over emotional, dishonest, disabled, broken, wanton, willful, headstrong, stubborn, unmovable

oppression

bondage

darkness

death

for

His Reborn Image of Me...

Righteous, virtuous, moral, good, just, blameless, upright, honorable, honest, respectable, decent, worthy, first class, first rate, fine, excellent, high quality, superior, ethical, right, proper, principled, fair, impartial, truthful, innocent, spotless, clean, unblemished, untarnished, conscientious, thorough, careful, orderly, perfect, flawless, guiltless, above suspicion, straight, admirable, praiseworthy, highly regarded, well thought of, trustworthy, sound, dependable, reliable, of good standing, polite, civilized, well-mannered, courteous, sincere, frank, candid, straight forward, direct, open

liberty

freedom

light

life

"We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life." (Romans 6:3, NIV)

Thank you Lord for my new life!

The Essence of a Kiss

I was recently talking with a friend about experiences we both had when we were younger where someone "stole" or attempted to "steal" a kiss from us. We recounted how violated we felt. I had strong emotions rise up in me just thinking about it, as did she. After talking a few more minutes about kisses in general, I came to the conclusion that a kiss has much more meaning and purpose for me than I had imagined. I mulled this over all week in an attempt to clarify my feelings. Words like "intimate, invitation and exploration" began to whirl around in my mind. After giving it much thought, I came up with this poem that describes what was left after all the chaff was blown away. This is the essence of a kiss for me.

A Kiss

Lips pressed to lips

A kiss

Soft, warm yielding

An invitation

Closeness, togetherness

An exploration

Knowing, partaking, exchanging

A sacred oneness

A kiss is an invitation of intimacy in which both parties yield and embrace the opportunity to know the other. 

Over the years, I have experienced kisses that led to feelings of shame, guilt and confusion and kisses that led to feelings of awe, joy and rightness. The difference being that the first was done without God-consciousness and the second was done being God-conscious. 

I will end on this note. On occasion, during my quiet time,  I have even sensed Jesus drawing me to Him for a Holy Kiss - offering me an opportunity to know him at a deeper level, to partake of Him, to taste and know that He is good. 

Thank you Jesus for creating the kiss. May we keep it holy and sanctified, according to your purpose and good will, in our relationships with one another and with you. Amen.