Garden Woes!

I have wanted to write about my garden for awhile now, but my heart just hasn't been in it since it was destroyed by deer a few weeks ago (see before and after pictures below). I am meditating on and allowing the Lord to work in my heart what He would like to speak to me about what happened. I am sure I will get several blogs out of this in the end!

(Before)

(After)

This is what I can share now. When I got home from a week in KY (a mission trip). I walked down to check on my chickens and my garden. My chickens were fine, but my garden looked a little strange to me. My mind knew something wasn't right, but I think it took my heart a little longer to accept the reality of what I was seeing - I call that denial. My once lush and fruitful garden was nothing but bare stems. I could only stay in denial for so long. The things in my mind and my heart collided and I was hit with waves of shock and dismay. My reaction: I hung my head low, turned on my heels, walked into the house, down the hall, into my bedroom, shut the door and cried. I was heartbroken.

Questions began to fly around in my head like "How could this happen? What did this? Why?" If I am going to be totally honest, the "why" question was directed at God and it came with frustration and hurt. This was OUR special place. I labored in that garden daily and this it was a place of communing for us. Why would He allow it to be taken from me - from us? I am one of those people who are bold enough to say things to the Lord with a little attitude like "Do you understand the importance of this garden to me Lord?" He has never smote me for it, but He does usually correct my attitude fairly quickly. This time was no exception.

My angry words still hung in the air when I heard Him speak to me, "Yes, I do understand. I had a garden that I planted with great care and it was a very special place for me - for others. Then, with just one act, it all changed." He didn't have to say anything else! I know the story of His garden (Genesis 3) and as I recalled it, I felt His great loss. He did understand. He always does. I have never been able to trip Him up on a "Do you understand?" question.

New questions rose up out of my heart. "Now what Lord? Do I give up? Do I try again?" I had put a lot of work into that garden and I wasn't so sure I was willing to give it any more of my time and effort or my heart - especially if an "enemy" was going to continue to attack it and steal its fruit from me.

Whoa! Time-out!

Praise God that this was not His attitude toward us - that He would give up on what He purposed in His garden. Praise God that He didn't say, "This is the end of my efforts with you." Things did change, but God's faithfulness to us did not.

After I digested some of these thoughts, I went back down to my garden and surveyed the damage. I prayed over my garden words that seem to come to my mind of their own accord - "Okay down trodden little plants, let's see how deep your roots are in this time of distress. Let's see if you still have any life in you. I will help." I began to weed around nothing but stems and I gave it a good drink of water all with the hope that anything is possible with God. Maybe new life would come back into these barren branches, maybe it wouldn't. Either way, I could not walk away from what I had created in love.

I am crying even now as I imagine the hand of Lord gently and patiently tending to me at different times of my life when I have needed care - when I have been beaten down, attacked or done things that have lead to my own destruction - times when I have been given that second (or third, or fourth) chance at life.

Psalm 89:1

I will sing of the lovingkindness of the LORD forever;

To all generations I will make known Your faithfulness with my mouth.

The Joy of Relating

Over the years, the enemy has tried to convince me that I was not loved as a child. I admit that while I was in the midst of my young life, I never consciously thought, "I am not loved." I had a roof over my head, food on my table and clothes on my back. Our family was

"dysfunctional" - functioning incorrectly or abnormally

but we were not without a certain degree of love. What we did lack was an intimate relationship with one another.

"Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity. As a verb "intimate" means to state or make known."*

Ironically, I recently learned that my top strength (according to this strength finder test I took) is relating. In a nutshell, this strength is described as a "desire to know others and to be known by them" and that a person with this strength is willing to take incredible risk in order for that to happen. This "strength" has been with me all my life. It didn't go away just because I found myself in a family environment that wasn't condusive to it, that didn't recognize it or nurture it.

This is what God showed me this past weekend at my aunt's funeral: I did not give up on searching for people to relate to me in an intimate way when intimacy wasn't possible in my own home. Even as a child, I was determined to exercise this strength. It was part of my spiritual DNA. When I think back to some of the things that I went through as a child, it has become clear to me that the enemy was just as adamant about keeping this strength hidden and ineffective as I was about exercising it!

At the funeral, as I spoke with family members (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) , memory after memory surfaced of how so many of them had allowed me into their world and responded to my desire to be known by them and to know them - even if it was in a small way or for a brief time. In the sea of my childhood memories, these memories had not been a priority. How kind, and maybe slightly odd, that the Lord would show me at a funeral, through these memories, how He had been with me all along. Of course, it was this very aunt who had given me my first real opportunity to experience the joy of intimacy within a family - so maybe the setting was not so odd afterall.

God had not abandoned me.

This strength of relating was not some cruel joke on His part. It is His heart's desire too - to know us and be known by us. He would never take such a strength lightly.

He is the capital "R" relater.

He gave His life on a cross so that an intimate, knowing relationship with me - with us - might be possible once again.

In relationships.....

He knows the pain of rejection.

He knows the joy of acceptance.

He knows.

I am very thankful that this strength is irrevocable. It is part of the expression of God's image in me. It is a part of His divine nature (2 Peter 1:3-4) that has been granted to me.

Those days long ago were tough and I fought for every crumb of intimacy/relating that I could get. Now I sit at the King's table and feast on the intimacy we share and I give Him glory and thanks for the relationships I have on earth that are intimate and real. I will always openly and eagerly invite others into this wonderful, yet sometimes risky, world of relating - some will accept, some will decline - but I am secure in the knowledge that even if all others refuse my invitation, God will not.

I rest in the knowledge that it is my privilege and my right as a believer to relate to Father, Son and Holy Spirit for all of eternity - starting now.

What joy! What peace!

* (Wikipedia)

Unfettered!

I learned this past Saturday that my beloved aunt died in her sleep. I say beloved because she wasn't just an aunt to me, she was an aunt-mother-friend. When I was just shy of my 13th birthday, I was sent to her house in Jacksonville, FL, for a visit while my mom worked out a solution to a very serious family situation - one that involved me not being able to live in the same house with her if my step-father also lived there. My summer visit became permanent when my aunt received a call from my mom asking her if she would like a little girl - me. My mom had found her solution to our problems back home. Instead of leaving her husband, she basically gave me away (please know that my mom and I had a very good relationship later in our lives - part of God's miracle of healing). My aunt graciously accepted me into her home, her family and her life. Mind you, I did not know her that well. I saw her only a hand full of times in my 13 years of life, but, for some reason, I had always had a great fondness for her. Now I know why. I was to be her little girl for a season - she already had three grown sons. My aunt was a wonderful, kind, and generous women God used to bring healing into my life. In her care, I experienced family love for the first time.  That love helped me through some really tough transitions and losses. The irony in my relationship with her is that she was the sister of my step-father - the one I could not live with any longer and the one who caused me great pain and sorrow.

This is my Aunt Myrtle many years ago  with her entire family. She is the 4th from the (L). My step-father is the 1st from the (R)

As I was grieving her death today, God began to show me some things. You might think what I am about to say is a little bit bizarre or you could find it enlightening. The Lord revealed to me that my aunt was the last person to die that was directly related to the history of my childhood pain. There were several significant people who contributed to my injuries and several who had a hand in my healing - she was a healer. God also brought to my mind that those who injured me and those that brought me healing are all in heaven together now (each of them being believers at the time of their death - including my step-father). Isn't that something.  The enemy did not win in his attempt to destroy my life and God even made a show of his efforts!

The effect of my past on my life has reached its fullness. It is complete. I will not be able to find my way back there. A path no longer exists. It doesn't mean I won't remember my past. That would be tragic. I want to remember what God has done for me. I guess what I am trying to say is that the past will no longer have any power over me.  I even had a vision of my aunt letting me go like a balloon. I said, "Lord, shouldn't it be me releasing her?" He said, "It is in honoring her role in your life that I am giving her the privilege in death of releasing you into your destiny. Unfettered." Strange, but a true vision. 

Unfettered. 

When I heard the word "unfettered," I began to see an image of a wounded eagle that had been rescued and taken to a place of refuge for care. I then saw that its healing was complete and it was now time for it to return to its natural environment - the one it was created for. I am that eagle. Oh, how I despised the fettering at times. I fought against the hand that cared for me and tended my wounds. I wanted to be free from restraints. I wanted to do the things I was created for now! I did not understand that the battering and wounding that I endured had left me vulnerable, weak and an easy target for the enemy - that what was happening to me in His care - fettering and all - was for my own good and His ultimate purposes. 

Saturday, the Lord undid my fetters. He held up his hand and said "Fly. Catch the wind of my Spirit. Soar. Be all I created you to be."

Isaiah 40:31

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I don't know if I have been successful in conveying the spiritual significance of what I am trying to share. I don't even know if I fully understand it yet. Time will tell. As I move forward I feel confident that God will reveal to me where He and I are going and what I am to do. 

I rejoice in the knowledge that my wounds are healed and my chains are gone. I have been set free. I honor my Aunt Myrtle and give thanks to God for her life and give thanks that in her death, she has also been set free from the ties and bindings of this world. She is greatly loved and she will be greatly missed.