Over the years, the enemy has tried to convince me that I was not loved as a child. I admit that while I was in the midst of my young life, I never consciously thought, "I am not loved." I had a roof over my head, food on my table and clothes on my back. Our family was
"dysfunctional" - functioning incorrectly or abnormally
but we were not without a certain degree of love. What we did lack was an intimate relationship with one another.
"Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity. As a verb "intimate" means to state or make known."*
Ironically, I recently learned that my top strength (according to this strength finder test I took) is relating. In a nutshell, this strength is described as a "desire to know others and to be known by them" and that a person with this strength is willing to take incredible risk in order for that to happen. This "strength" has been with me all my life. It didn't go away just because I found myself in a family environment that wasn't condusive to it, that didn't recognize it or nurture it.
This is what God showed me this past weekend at my aunt's funeral: I did not give up on searching for people to relate to me in an intimate way when intimacy wasn't possible in my own home. Even as a child, I was determined to exercise this strength. It was part of my spiritual DNA. When I think back to some of the things that I went through as a child, it has become clear to me that the enemy was just as adamant about keeping this strength hidden and ineffective as I was about exercising it!
At the funeral, as I spoke with family members (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) , memory after memory surfaced of how so many of them had allowed me into their world and responded to my desire to be known by them and to know them - even if it was in a small way or for a brief time. In the sea of my childhood memories, these memories had not been a priority. How kind, and maybe slightly odd, that the Lord would show me at a funeral, through these memories, how He had been with me all along. Of course, it was this very aunt who had given me my first real opportunity to experience the joy of intimacy within a family - so maybe the setting was not so odd afterall.
God had not abandoned me.
This strength of relating was not some cruel joke on His part. It is His heart's desire too - to know us and be known by us. He would never take such a strength lightly.
He is the capital "R" relater.
He gave His life on a cross so that an intimate, knowing relationship with me - with us - might be possible once again.
In relationships.....
He knows the pain of rejection.
He knows the joy of acceptance.
He knows.
I am very thankful that this strength is irrevocable. It is part of the expression of God's image in me. It is a part of His divine nature (2 Peter 1:3-4) that has been granted to me.
Those days long ago were tough and I fought for every crumb of intimacy/relating that I could get. Now I sit at the King's table and feast on the intimacy we share and I give Him glory and thanks for the relationships I have on earth that are intimate and real. I will always openly and eagerly invite others into this wonderful, yet sometimes risky, world of relating - some will accept, some will decline - but I am secure in the knowledge that even if all others refuse my invitation, God will not.
I rest in the knowledge that it is my privilege and my right as a believer to relate to Father, Son and Holy Spirit for all of eternity - starting now.
What joy! What peace!
* (Wikipedia)
