Love Offerings

During a time when light was quickly fading from my world as I descended deeper and deeper into a dungeon of despair, God gave me Jeneva.

She was a walking, talking gift of love. Without her to love and to receive love from her, I am not sure how much longer I would have been able to hold on to the lifeline that connected me to this world. One of the simple, yet profound, things that brought me joy was my frequent walks with Jeneva. I loved being outside (I have always viewed four walls as a confining environment for many good reasons) and feeling the freedom in the vastness of the space around us. Though I was not intimately relating to Jesus at that time, I now recognize that He was still there with me and was for me. This poem is a glimpse into that precious time and a thanksgiving offering to the Lord for such sustaining moments when I needed them most.

Love Offerings

Walking hand and hand, fingers entwined, feeling the smallness of your palm in mine,

Watching your eyes looking to and fro in search of a treasure worthy of your gaze,

Feeling the warmth of the sun’s rays as they rush forward to kiss the tops of our heads,

Laughing as the mischievous wind sneaks up and tickles our skin and ruffles our hair,

Pressing hard against our flesh, our souls move us toward our own private corner of the world.

Arriving, I disappear into a world of chocolate brown eyes, rosy cheeks and girlish giggles.

Exhaling, all my cares evaporate and rise into the sky to be carried away by the clouds.

Smiling, I bask in the pleasure of your small offerings of love - a rock, a flower, a leaf

And all is made right in my imperfect world.

Unfettered!

I learned this past Saturday that my beloved aunt died in her sleep. I say beloved because she wasn't just an aunt to me, she was an aunt-mother-friend. When I was just shy of my 13th birthday, I was sent to her house in Jacksonville, FL, for a visit while my mom worked out a solution to a very serious family situation - one that involved me not being able to live in the same house with her if my step-father also lived there. My summer visit became permanent when my aunt received a call from my mom asking her if she would like a little girl - me. My mom had found her solution to our problems back home. Instead of leaving her husband, she basically gave me away (please know that my mom and I had a very good relationship later in our lives - part of God's miracle of healing). My aunt graciously accepted me into her home, her family and her life. Mind you, I did not know her that well. I saw her only a hand full of times in my 13 years of life, but, for some reason, I had always had a great fondness for her. Now I know why. I was to be her little girl for a season - she already had three grown sons. My aunt was a wonderful, kind, and generous women God used to bring healing into my life. In her care, I experienced family love for the first time.  That love helped me through some really tough transitions and losses. The irony in my relationship with her is that she was the sister of my step-father - the one I could not live with any longer and the one who caused me great pain and sorrow.

This is my Aunt Myrtle many years ago  with her entire family. She is the 4th from the (L). My step-father is the 1st from the (R)

As I was grieving her death today, God began to show me some things. You might think what I am about to say is a little bit bizarre or you could find it enlightening. The Lord revealed to me that my aunt was the last person to die that was directly related to the history of my childhood pain. There were several significant people who contributed to my injuries and several who had a hand in my healing - she was a healer. God also brought to my mind that those who injured me and those that brought me healing are all in heaven together now (each of them being believers at the time of their death - including my step-father). Isn't that something.  The enemy did not win in his attempt to destroy my life and God even made a show of his efforts!

The effect of my past on my life has reached its fullness. It is complete. I will not be able to find my way back there. A path no longer exists. It doesn't mean I won't remember my past. That would be tragic. I want to remember what God has done for me. I guess what I am trying to say is that the past will no longer have any power over me.  I even had a vision of my aunt letting me go like a balloon. I said, "Lord, shouldn't it be me releasing her?" He said, "It is in honoring her role in your life that I am giving her the privilege in death of releasing you into your destiny. Unfettered." Strange, but a true vision. 

Unfettered. 

When I heard the word "unfettered," I began to see an image of a wounded eagle that had been rescued and taken to a place of refuge for care. I then saw that its healing was complete and it was now time for it to return to its natural environment - the one it was created for. I am that eagle. Oh, how I despised the fettering at times. I fought against the hand that cared for me and tended my wounds. I wanted to be free from restraints. I wanted to do the things I was created for now! I did not understand that the battering and wounding that I endured had left me vulnerable, weak and an easy target for the enemy - that what was happening to me in His care - fettering and all - was for my own good and His ultimate purposes. 

Saturday, the Lord undid my fetters. He held up his hand and said "Fly. Catch the wind of my Spirit. Soar. Be all I created you to be."

Isaiah 40:31

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I don't know if I have been successful in conveying the spiritual significance of what I am trying to share. I don't even know if I fully understand it yet. Time will tell. As I move forward I feel confident that God will reveal to me where He and I are going and what I am to do. 

I rejoice in the knowledge that my wounds are healed and my chains are gone. I have been set free. I honor my Aunt Myrtle and give thanks to God for her life and give thanks that in her death, she has also been set free from the ties and bindings of this world. She is greatly loved and she will be greatly missed.

Taking Risks for the Sake of Freedom

I was having some “play” time in prayer with the Lord the other day and to my surprise, he showed up in my mind’s eye on a bike. He wanted to go bike riding with me. What? Why? Of all the things we could do, why would he choose bike riding? Then I got it. He was trying to show me something. He was reminding me of the freedom I enjoyed as a child when I rode a bike - like the wind blowing in my hair, exploring places just beyond my normal boundaries, getting away from everything and everybody when things became too overwhelming. He then invited me to jump a ramp.  Whoa! Wait a minute! This was a whole different level of bike riding that I wasn’t so sure about. Remember those homemade contraptions? I do and I never once had the courage to jump one. I was perfectly content to have my feet planted on the ground.

Or was I?

Jesus said he would go first and he did – without incident mind you. He then motioned for me to go. I shook my head no. I was too afraid. I so wanted to feel the exhilaration of being off the ground, flying through the air without a care in the world, to experience something new, that appealed to me. It was the landing that put me off. 

What if I wiped out? What if I got hurt? What if I failed?

The thoughts that were running through my head were suddenly replaced with another image. I began to see things as Christ saw them.  I saw myself pedaling as fast as I could, bent down low toward the handlebars, with a fierce look of determination on my face and I was headed for that ramp. I went for it with all the gusto I could muster up. I hit the board with a “whomp” and was airborne. Oh, what joy! I was smiling and taking such pleasure in the experience that I temporarily forgot that what goes up must come down. Then it happened. The bike left me. It just flew off into the wild blue yonder and there I was flying through the air. 

I thought to myself, “See, I told you this wasn’t going to turn out good!” 

But it did. Standing on the other side of that ramp wasn't another board, it was Jesus. He had his arms held out and “whoosh,” that is where I landed. He was laughing, not at me, but for me. How do you laugh for someone? It is sort of like clapping or cheering except it is so deep and rich that it comes out as laughter. Musical, adoring, I could kiss your whole face, laughter! 

At that moment, I caught the vision. 

To gain freedom, and the inexpressible joys of it, sometimes you have to take risks. 

Is it scary? Yes! Is it worth it? Yes! 

Now granted, there have been times in my life where I felt like I took risks for the sake of freedom and the outcome was not as smooth as this vision. I did not land in the cushy arms of Jesus. Why? I believe one reason is that the sovereign God who created us gave us a free will and free will can be used for good or evil. There are times when we are airborne and someone comes out of nowhere exercising their free will, blindsides us and knocks us to the ground - hard. Sometimes, in exercising our own free will, we make tactical errors or use poor judgment and that gets us off course and we miss the target - can you say "crash and burn?" I can. Been there done that a few times. The fact of the matter is that neither of these scenarios changes the truth:

Jesus is still there. He is the constant factor that does not change. 

If we land in His arms, he rejoices with us. If we land on our faces, no matter the cause, He picks us up, brushes us off, and tends to our injuries. In both cases, from my experience, He says, 

“Go ahead, give it another try. I will be right here."

Now that's freedom!