Your Grace is Sufficient for Me

I wrote the following poem for the art board we have at our church. Each month there is a theme and anyone in the church can post a created work of art - painting, photography,writing, etc. This month's theme is grace. I love God's grace. I embrace it now, but that was not always the case. Contemplating this theme of grace, I remembered a day when I challenged God and in my weakened and messed up state, wanting His judgment over His grace. Life had severely beaten me down and I was very, very weary. I wanted to die. I could not bring myself to end my own life, so I thought if I provoked God, maybe He would give me the judgment I felt I deserved and He would take my life. In reality, in my heart of hearts, I recognized that the existence of God was my only hope and therefore, I desperately needed Him to reveal Himself to me. Thank goodness He is real and He did came to me in my darkest hour with life transforming power! Grace, grace, grace abounded! (Ironically, it wasn't in the scene I have described. It was a few months later. I will have to blog about it another time.)

The first part of this poem is based on my actual actions and the second part is based on a dream. Both come together to form a beautiful interpretation of God's grace toward me.

“Your Grace is Sufficient for Me”

I stand in an open field,

Watching the approaching storm.

I think to myself, “So, this is how it is to be.”

You have come to answer the challenge of my heart

And you have brought wind, thunder,

And lightning as your allies. I am ready.

Arms at my side, feet firmly planted,

I lift my face to the skies and I cry out,

“If you are real, reveal yourself to me! I dare you!”

My mind wonders, my thoughts drift.

“Strike me if you must, just show me if you are here.”

There, the words have gone forth.

My heart aches as I await your reply.

The pain held there cannot be endured much longer.

“Show me or I will surely die!” I whisper.

Raindrops begin to pelt my face.

Their sting is sharp and brings relief in some small way.

This is what I deserve, right? This is what I expect.

After all, I have been unfaithful.

My unbelief permeates the air even now.

The storm is directly above me.

I look up and brace myself for your judgment.

I hear familiar voices in my head calling to me,

“Run! Take shelter! Hide!”

I resist the temptation. I refuse to be moved.

I must know the truth. Here. Now.

Slowing the sky begins to change.

The blackness is peeled back.

Radiant light and deep blue skies appear.

The heavens are open and

Something is falling. Flowers!

Sweet, delicate flowers rain down on me.

Wait! What is this?

Where is my judgment?

The answer comes quickly and with

Beautiful, wonderful revelation.

“My grace.”

You laugh, I laugh. Joy washes over me.

I begin to dance.

Your grace is sufficient for me…

An Early Christmas Present

The Lord gave me an early Christmas present this year - truth wrapped in grace.

In order to understand the magnitude of this gift, I need to share this story.

In June of 2007, I brought my mom from Florida to North Carolina to live with me. She had been battling a terminal illness and had reached a point where she could no longer live alone. I watched my mom silently, she wasn't one to share her feelings, and with much grace accept her fate. She was dying. The healing she, I and others had believed in for so many years (yes, she lived beyond what the doctors had predicted) appeared to be a very distant hope.

I had my mom in my care for 3 days, a hard but beautiful 3 days, before the Lord took her home. Afterwards, I felt traumatized, cheated and slightly betrayed by God. First, we only had 3 days! Second, it was not an easy death, which I felt she deserved given all she had been through in life. Third, God had not fulfilled the practical desires of her heart - things that she had patiently and lovingly been waiting years for Him to do. I confess that though I did feel frustration on behalf of my mom, on a much deeper level, my feelings were revealing something about me. (Stay with me. We will get to the gift soon!)

Here's the kicker - a revelation straight from God. I pitied her. Further revelation - not only did I pity my mom in death, I pitied my mom in life. She had endured so much. She deserved my pity, right? Wrong.

Time to unwrap that gift! There were so many things inside the package - mercy, kindness, forgiveness. Forgiveness, you say? Yes. Forgiveness.

God was offering me the gift of repentance.

(Mom as a teenage mother)

He basically said you pitied your mom when in reality you were the one to be pitied - your unbelief, your fears, your wrong thinking. At that point, He brought the essence of my mother's heart so close to me that I could feel it inside me. It was beautiful! I saw her for who she really was and it was not the weak, watered down version of a childish, naive dreamer that I had imagined.

She was a great adventurer! She hungered for and desired adventure and she had just enough moxie that even in the midst of unyielding circumstances, she believed in the bigness of God for it. Circumstances could not hold her heart captive. It was free to fly before the throne of God with all its petitions.

He liked that. A lot! Even if the details of how she thought the adventure would happen didn't match up with His plan, He so loved her for daring to believe in greatness, in His greatness, and for taking that risk. A great adventure does not come without great risk.

(Mom with the girls prior to her diagnosis)

I repented of all my wrong thinking toward my mom. I felt the warmth of God's acceptance and the balm of His forgiveness as He applied it to this area of my life. I will never see my mother the same again. Praise God! She is no longer an object of pity to me. She is now a person, a spirit, of inspiration!

God went on to share with me that an "adventurous heart" is part of my family's spiritual inheritance. I could either embrace it or struggle against it. It was not going away.

I embrace it and cry out to God for the strength to hold on to it as I stretch toward the bar of faith and belief that my mother set. May the bar grow ever higher and the risks ever greater for your glory and your glory alone Lord. May you bless my family line for generations to come with this adventurous heart. May stories be told throughout all heaven and earth of my family's great and mighty acts of faith. May it be so.

(How's that mom? Am I getting it? Am I on the right path? I have no doubt that in the same spirit of adventure and boldness, you went before the throne of God on my behalf and petitioned Him to to set me free - that I and all your family might benefit from the sharing of this truth - We were created for adventure! Thanks mom. Keep praying for us for the temptations and distractions are many!)

Catching Up

Wow! It has been so long since I have blogged. My husband told me recently that I don't just blog, I design  - that may be part of the problem. I was being so detail oriented and wanting things just so that it was taking me a long time to post one entry.  I grew weary. It seemed like work. The other contributing factor is that I have been doing other things. I shared about this creative juice (for lack of a better term) that started flowing out of me, but, to my surprise, it began to flow in multiple directions at the same time! So, here is what I have been up to instead of blogging my contemplations and memoirs:

Photography:

Gardening:

Worm Composting:

Raising Chickens:

Plus the multitude of other family, friend, and church stuff I love to do!

These activities have provided me with great blog material and I regret (mildly) not writing some of it. I hope to do better in the coming days - even if it comes out messy and imperfect. Plus, does anyone really care about perfection other than me? If they do, it will give them a chance to practice grace.

Blessings to you all and remember, if you don't hear from me on a consistent basis, it is most likely because I am busy living life instead of writing about it!!!