Scars of the Heart

I was reading chapter 20 of the Gospel of John this morning and I stopped at verses 19 and 20 to meditate on them and to appreciate them anew. These verses tell us that Jesus appeared to His disciples after His resurrection and He showed them His hands and His side. He was proving to them that it was indeed Him they were seeing, as evidenced by the crucifixion scars He still bore on His body. This passage brought back to my remembrance a poem I had written a few years ago about a different type of scar - scars of the heart.

This poem came out of a conversation I had with the Lord about past hurts. Here are some excerpts from my journal about what He spoke to me - followed by the poem this conversation inspired:

The Lord speaking to me -

"You ask me, 'What is this that runs across my heart Lord? What is this ridge, this road map of agony, of pain, of despair? Where did it come from? What do I do with it? Can it be taken away?' I, the Lord, say to you: This is your testimony. This scar inflicted upon your heart. When you look at the scar - touch it, ponder it and remember.

Remember me.

Do you remember how you got that scar? What injustice you suffered? The violence you endured? Do you remember the shame of the moment? The helplessness to stop the pain? Do you remember?

I Remember.

This is my testimony: I bear the scars on my hands, feet and my side. I bear the scar of the cross so that you might live. Your scars are heart scars. I was there when they were inflicted. I put my hand into that place of pain and I asked my Father to bring healing, to bring wholeness, to bring newness. I asked that I might carry the pain and shame of the suffering you endured that you might live.

I see your scars. I see your pain. I do more than see. I carry. I carry the scars of your heart in my heart. Why you ask? It is my testimony of love. I love. I love. I love. I love."

"Scars of the Heart"

A scar

A ridge across the heart

A hurt, a pain, a sorrow

A witness

A statement

A scar

Evidence of the past

Covered over, closed up

A memory

A thought

Ah! A greater understanding revealed

Compassion, mercy, grace

A new beginning

A fresh start

A scar

A place of remembrance

Healing, wholeness, restoration

A testimony

A story

The scar of my heart.

The cross

A thought, a memory, a story

A statement, a witness, a testimony

A new beginning, a fresh start

The scar of your heart.

The scar of my heart swallowed up by the scar of your heart

Enduring, embracing, erasing

A perfect gift

A sacrifice of love

The cross

An Early Christmas Present

The Lord gave me an early Christmas present this year - truth wrapped in grace.

In order to understand the magnitude of this gift, I need to share this story.

In June of 2007, I brought my mom from Florida to North Carolina to live with me. She had been battling a terminal illness and had reached a point where she could no longer live alone. I watched my mom silently, she wasn't one to share her feelings, and with much grace accept her fate. She was dying. The healing she, I and others had believed in for so many years (yes, she lived beyond what the doctors had predicted) appeared to be a very distant hope.

I had my mom in my care for 3 days, a hard but beautiful 3 days, before the Lord took her home. Afterwards, I felt traumatized, cheated and slightly betrayed by God. First, we only had 3 days! Second, it was not an easy death, which I felt she deserved given all she had been through in life. Third, God had not fulfilled the practical desires of her heart - things that she had patiently and lovingly been waiting years for Him to do. I confess that though I did feel frustration on behalf of my mom, on a much deeper level, my feelings were revealing something about me. (Stay with me. We will get to the gift soon!)

Here's the kicker - a revelation straight from God. I pitied her. Further revelation - not only did I pity my mom in death, I pitied my mom in life. She had endured so much. She deserved my pity, right? Wrong.

Time to unwrap that gift! There were so many things inside the package - mercy, kindness, forgiveness. Forgiveness, you say? Yes. Forgiveness.

God was offering me the gift of repentance.

(Mom as a teenage mother)

He basically said you pitied your mom when in reality you were the one to be pitied - your unbelief, your fears, your wrong thinking. At that point, He brought the essence of my mother's heart so close to me that I could feel it inside me. It was beautiful! I saw her for who she really was and it was not the weak, watered down version of a childish, naive dreamer that I had imagined.

She was a great adventurer! She hungered for and desired adventure and she had just enough moxie that even in the midst of unyielding circumstances, she believed in the bigness of God for it. Circumstances could not hold her heart captive. It was free to fly before the throne of God with all its petitions.

He liked that. A lot! Even if the details of how she thought the adventure would happen didn't match up with His plan, He so loved her for daring to believe in greatness, in His greatness, and for taking that risk. A great adventure does not come without great risk.

(Mom with the girls prior to her diagnosis)

I repented of all my wrong thinking toward my mom. I felt the warmth of God's acceptance and the balm of His forgiveness as He applied it to this area of my life. I will never see my mother the same again. Praise God! She is no longer an object of pity to me. She is now a person, a spirit, of inspiration!

God went on to share with me that an "adventurous heart" is part of my family's spiritual inheritance. I could either embrace it or struggle against it. It was not going away.

I embrace it and cry out to God for the strength to hold on to it as I stretch toward the bar of faith and belief that my mother set. May the bar grow ever higher and the risks ever greater for your glory and your glory alone Lord. May you bless my family line for generations to come with this adventurous heart. May stories be told throughout all heaven and earth of my family's great and mighty acts of faith. May it be so.

(How's that mom? Am I getting it? Am I on the right path? I have no doubt that in the same spirit of adventure and boldness, you went before the throne of God on my behalf and petitioned Him to to set me free - that I and all your family might benefit from the sharing of this truth - We were created for adventure! Thanks mom. Keep praying for us for the temptations and distractions are many!)