The Divine Exchange

My Inborn Image of Me...

Depraved, corrupt, polluted, defiled, contaminated, evil, wicked, immoral, crooked, bent, rough, irregular, sinful, bad, harmful, naughty, misbehaving, mischievous, , impish, self-indulgent, self-pitying, weak, childish, wallowing, over emotional, dishonest, disabled, broken, wanton, willful, headstrong, stubborn, unmovable

oppression

bondage

darkness

death

for

His Reborn Image of Me...

Righteous, virtuous, moral, good, just, blameless, upright, honorable, honest, respectable, decent, worthy, first class, first rate, fine, excellent, high quality, superior, ethical, right, proper, principled, fair, impartial, truthful, innocent, spotless, clean, unblemished, untarnished, conscientious, thorough, careful, orderly, perfect, flawless, guiltless, above suspicion, straight, admirable, praiseworthy, highly regarded, well thought of, trustworthy, sound, dependable, reliable, of good standing, polite, civilized, well-mannered, courteous, sincere, frank, candid, straight forward, direct, open

liberty

freedom

light

life

"We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life." (Romans 6:3, NIV)

Thank you Lord for my new life!

Dissatisfied with the Ordinary

A few weeks ago, I told Jesus during one of my journaling times that I did not believe that He was with me. On what did I base this accusation? My feelings. I was accusing Jesus of not being with me because I was not feeling Him with me.

I wondered how someone as huge and wonderful as the Creator could exist within me and I not feel Him?

Maybe I thought I could manipulate Him into responding and a boatload of feelings would just pour over me. Nope. Jesus is not manipulated by our feelings, moved yes, but not manipulated.

Because I was not feeling God’s active, tangible presence in my life, something that I had grown very accustomed to, I began to feel ordinary and alone. I was even fearful that I was going to go backward in my faith instead of forward. This would be a real no-no for me because I love growth and forward movement.

I began to despise the ordinariness I was feeling and a deep sense of loneliness came over me.

By the grace of God, I realized that what was happening to me was not ordinary at all, but still qualified as a wonderful work of His hand. I liken it to my experiences of being slain in the Spirit. During such times, God would bypass my head and go straight to my heart. During such times, I did not even know or understand the work He was doing, nor did I need to in order to appreciate it and benefit from it, nor did I always FEEL it.

That God can and does work on my behalf in a realm beyond my senses is extraordinary to me.

The fact that the evidence of His presence comes out in His steadfast faithfulness to change me into the person He created me to be (my heart’s cry) is extraordinary to me.

Though I may not feel it, I can have the confidence that God is with me and He is working in me and through me for my good, His purposes and His glory. This is not a quantum leap experience mind you. This kind of work occurs over an extended period of time (a lifetime really), and is evidenced by changes and growth that are sometimes unobservable by human standards, but yet exist and are real and meaningful – the fullness of which will be unveiled in His timing.

I know this for sure.

I was created to live an extraordinary life of love, compassion, forgivingness, sacrifice, etc., and God has put a passion for it in my heart and when the flame of that passion is turned down for a season of additional training and transformation, my heart longs for it.

Ordinary does not satisfy.

It is at these times when the enemy will come in and say, “You are alone.” I know this is a lie because God’s word says, “I will never leave or forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5b). I am not forsaken or forgotten. My God is with me.

I glean wisdom from the apostle Paul’s words in Philippines 4:12-13:

"…for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

I am right where I should be. I am in the hands of the Potter as he continues to add details to the masterpiece He calls my life – a life that longs to live for Him and for His glory.

My prayer is that I will be content in all things and in all places, that as I wait upon the Lord,

I will sing like David sang, dance as David danced, write Psalms, meditate on God’s goodness, and give to God offerings of praise and adoration that are due Him.

Winter Has Come

I tried to blog yesterday, but without much success. I had so many thoughts going through my mind that I became overwhelmed. So, I decided that it might be easier for me to write a poem/psalm. I will do that from time to time. Some of you may recognize this "place" that I write about.

Winter has come….

As a vineyard in summer, I was once clothed in royal garments.

A majestic, vibrant and fruitful life was there for all to see.

Now, I stand before the people stripped down to nothing, bare and exposed.

Their eyes are upon me. What do they see?

Do they know that you are still with me?

Will they look beyond outward appearances?

Will they recognize that your will is being done in me?

Is it evident that it is by your hand that I am in this place?

Do they see that even so, I struggle to be still.

Do not despise it….

I surrender to this winter season Lord.

Standing

Waiting

Expecting

Being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see -

The newness of spring...

An Early Christmas Present

The Lord gave me an early Christmas present this year - truth wrapped in grace.

In order to understand the magnitude of this gift, I need to share this story.

In June of 2007, I brought my mom from Florida to North Carolina to live with me. She had been battling a terminal illness and had reached a point where she could no longer live alone. I watched my mom silently, she wasn't one to share her feelings, and with much grace accept her fate. She was dying. The healing she, I and others had believed in for so many years (yes, she lived beyond what the doctors had predicted) appeared to be a very distant hope.

I had my mom in my care for 3 days, a hard but beautiful 3 days, before the Lord took her home. Afterwards, I felt traumatized, cheated and slightly betrayed by God. First, we only had 3 days! Second, it was not an easy death, which I felt she deserved given all she had been through in life. Third, God had not fulfilled the practical desires of her heart - things that she had patiently and lovingly been waiting years for Him to do. I confess that though I did feel frustration on behalf of my mom, on a much deeper level, my feelings were revealing something about me. (Stay with me. We will get to the gift soon!)

Here's the kicker - a revelation straight from God. I pitied her. Further revelation - not only did I pity my mom in death, I pitied my mom in life. She had endured so much. She deserved my pity, right? Wrong.

Time to unwrap that gift! There were so many things inside the package - mercy, kindness, forgiveness. Forgiveness, you say? Yes. Forgiveness.

God was offering me the gift of repentance.

(Mom as a teenage mother)

He basically said you pitied your mom when in reality you were the one to be pitied - your unbelief, your fears, your wrong thinking. At that point, He brought the essence of my mother's heart so close to me that I could feel it inside me. It was beautiful! I saw her for who she really was and it was not the weak, watered down version of a childish, naive dreamer that I had imagined.

She was a great adventurer! She hungered for and desired adventure and she had just enough moxie that even in the midst of unyielding circumstances, she believed in the bigness of God for it. Circumstances could not hold her heart captive. It was free to fly before the throne of God with all its petitions.

He liked that. A lot! Even if the details of how she thought the adventure would happen didn't match up with His plan, He so loved her for daring to believe in greatness, in His greatness, and for taking that risk. A great adventure does not come without great risk.

(Mom with the girls prior to her diagnosis)

I repented of all my wrong thinking toward my mom. I felt the warmth of God's acceptance and the balm of His forgiveness as He applied it to this area of my life. I will never see my mother the same again. Praise God! She is no longer an object of pity to me. She is now a person, a spirit, of inspiration!

God went on to share with me that an "adventurous heart" is part of my family's spiritual inheritance. I could either embrace it or struggle against it. It was not going away.

I embrace it and cry out to God for the strength to hold on to it as I stretch toward the bar of faith and belief that my mother set. May the bar grow ever higher and the risks ever greater for your glory and your glory alone Lord. May you bless my family line for generations to come with this adventurous heart. May stories be told throughout all heaven and earth of my family's great and mighty acts of faith. May it be so.

(How's that mom? Am I getting it? Am I on the right path? I have no doubt that in the same spirit of adventure and boldness, you went before the throne of God on my behalf and petitioned Him to to set me free - that I and all your family might benefit from the sharing of this truth - We were created for adventure! Thanks mom. Keep praying for us for the temptations and distractions are many!)

Garden Woes!

I have wanted to write about my garden for awhile now, but my heart just hasn't been in it since it was destroyed by deer a few weeks ago (see before and after pictures below). I am meditating on and allowing the Lord to work in my heart what He would like to speak to me about what happened. I am sure I will get several blogs out of this in the end!

(Before)

(After)

This is what I can share now. When I got home from a week in KY (a mission trip). I walked down to check on my chickens and my garden. My chickens were fine, but my garden looked a little strange to me. My mind knew something wasn't right, but I think it took my heart a little longer to accept the reality of what I was seeing - I call that denial. My once lush and fruitful garden was nothing but bare stems. I could only stay in denial for so long. The things in my mind and my heart collided and I was hit with waves of shock and dismay. My reaction: I hung my head low, turned on my heels, walked into the house, down the hall, into my bedroom, shut the door and cried. I was heartbroken.

Questions began to fly around in my head like "How could this happen? What did this? Why?" If I am going to be totally honest, the "why" question was directed at God and it came with frustration and hurt. This was OUR special place. I labored in that garden daily and this it was a place of communing for us. Why would He allow it to be taken from me - from us? I am one of those people who are bold enough to say things to the Lord with a little attitude like "Do you understand the importance of this garden to me Lord?" He has never smote me for it, but He does usually correct my attitude fairly quickly. This time was no exception.

My angry words still hung in the air when I heard Him speak to me, "Yes, I do understand. I had a garden that I planted with great care and it was a very special place for me - for others. Then, with just one act, it all changed." He didn't have to say anything else! I know the story of His garden (Genesis 3) and as I recalled it, I felt His great loss. He did understand. He always does. I have never been able to trip Him up on a "Do you understand?" question.

New questions rose up out of my heart. "Now what Lord? Do I give up? Do I try again?" I had put a lot of work into that garden and I wasn't so sure I was willing to give it any more of my time and effort or my heart - especially if an "enemy" was going to continue to attack it and steal its fruit from me.

Whoa! Time-out!

Praise God that this was not His attitude toward us - that He would give up on what He purposed in His garden. Praise God that He didn't say, "This is the end of my efforts with you." Things did change, but God's faithfulness to us did not.

After I digested some of these thoughts, I went back down to my garden and surveyed the damage. I prayed over my garden words that seem to come to my mind of their own accord - "Okay down trodden little plants, let's see how deep your roots are in this time of distress. Let's see if you still have any life in you. I will help." I began to weed around nothing but stems and I gave it a good drink of water all with the hope that anything is possible with God. Maybe new life would come back into these barren branches, maybe it wouldn't. Either way, I could not walk away from what I had created in love.

I am crying even now as I imagine the hand of Lord gently and patiently tending to me at different times of my life when I have needed care - when I have been beaten down, attacked or done things that have lead to my own destruction - times when I have been given that second (or third, or fourth) chance at life.

Psalm 89:1

I will sing of the lovingkindness of the LORD forever;

To all generations I will make known Your faithfulness with my mouth.

The Joy of Relating

Over the years, the enemy has tried to convince me that I was not loved as a child. I admit that while I was in the midst of my young life, I never consciously thought, "I am not loved." I had a roof over my head, food on my table and clothes on my back. Our family was

"dysfunctional" - functioning incorrectly or abnormally

but we were not without a certain degree of love. What we did lack was an intimate relationship with one another.

"Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity. As a verb "intimate" means to state or make known."*

Ironically, I recently learned that my top strength (according to this strength finder test I took) is relating. In a nutshell, this strength is described as a "desire to know others and to be known by them" and that a person with this strength is willing to take incredible risk in order for that to happen. This "strength" has been with me all my life. It didn't go away just because I found myself in a family environment that wasn't condusive to it, that didn't recognize it or nurture it.

This is what God showed me this past weekend at my aunt's funeral: I did not give up on searching for people to relate to me in an intimate way when intimacy wasn't possible in my own home. Even as a child, I was determined to exercise this strength. It was part of my spiritual DNA. When I think back to some of the things that I went through as a child, it has become clear to me that the enemy was just as adamant about keeping this strength hidden and ineffective as I was about exercising it!

At the funeral, as I spoke with family members (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) , memory after memory surfaced of how so many of them had allowed me into their world and responded to my desire to be known by them and to know them - even if it was in a small way or for a brief time. In the sea of my childhood memories, these memories had not been a priority. How kind, and maybe slightly odd, that the Lord would show me at a funeral, through these memories, how He had been with me all along. Of course, it was this very aunt who had given me my first real opportunity to experience the joy of intimacy within a family - so maybe the setting was not so odd afterall.

God had not abandoned me.

This strength of relating was not some cruel joke on His part. It is His heart's desire too - to know us and be known by us. He would never take such a strength lightly.

He is the capital "R" relater.

He gave His life on a cross so that an intimate, knowing relationship with me - with us - might be possible once again.

In relationships.....

He knows the pain of rejection.

He knows the joy of acceptance.

He knows.

I am very thankful that this strength is irrevocable. It is part of the expression of God's image in me. It is a part of His divine nature (2 Peter 1:3-4) that has been granted to me.

Those days long ago were tough and I fought for every crumb of intimacy/relating that I could get. Now I sit at the King's table and feast on the intimacy we share and I give Him glory and thanks for the relationships I have on earth that are intimate and real. I will always openly and eagerly invite others into this wonderful, yet sometimes risky, world of relating - some will accept, some will decline - but I am secure in the knowledge that even if all others refuse my invitation, God will not.

I rest in the knowledge that it is my privilege and my right as a believer to relate to Father, Son and Holy Spirit for all of eternity - starting now.

What joy! What peace!

* (Wikipedia)

Unfettered!

I learned this past Saturday that my beloved aunt died in her sleep. I say beloved because she wasn't just an aunt to me, she was an aunt-mother-friend. When I was just shy of my 13th birthday, I was sent to her house in Jacksonville, FL, for a visit while my mom worked out a solution to a very serious family situation - one that involved me not being able to live in the same house with her if my step-father also lived there. My summer visit became permanent when my aunt received a call from my mom asking her if she would like a little girl - me. My mom had found her solution to our problems back home. Instead of leaving her husband, she basically gave me away (please know that my mom and I had a very good relationship later in our lives - part of God's miracle of healing). My aunt graciously accepted me into her home, her family and her life. Mind you, I did not know her that well. I saw her only a hand full of times in my 13 years of life, but, for some reason, I had always had a great fondness for her. Now I know why. I was to be her little girl for a season - she already had three grown sons. My aunt was a wonderful, kind, and generous women God used to bring healing into my life. In her care, I experienced family love for the first time.  That love helped me through some really tough transitions and losses. The irony in my relationship with her is that she was the sister of my step-father - the one I could not live with any longer and the one who caused me great pain and sorrow.

This is my Aunt Myrtle many years ago  with her entire family. She is the 4th from the (L). My step-father is the 1st from the (R)

As I was grieving her death today, God began to show me some things. You might think what I am about to say is a little bit bizarre or you could find it enlightening. The Lord revealed to me that my aunt was the last person to die that was directly related to the history of my childhood pain. There were several significant people who contributed to my injuries and several who had a hand in my healing - she was a healer. God also brought to my mind that those who injured me and those that brought me healing are all in heaven together now (each of them being believers at the time of their death - including my step-father). Isn't that something.  The enemy did not win in his attempt to destroy my life and God even made a show of his efforts!

The effect of my past on my life has reached its fullness. It is complete. I will not be able to find my way back there. A path no longer exists. It doesn't mean I won't remember my past. That would be tragic. I want to remember what God has done for me. I guess what I am trying to say is that the past will no longer have any power over me.  I even had a vision of my aunt letting me go like a balloon. I said, "Lord, shouldn't it be me releasing her?" He said, "It is in honoring her role in your life that I am giving her the privilege in death of releasing you into your destiny. Unfettered." Strange, but a true vision. 

Unfettered. 

When I heard the word "unfettered," I began to see an image of a wounded eagle that had been rescued and taken to a place of refuge for care. I then saw that its healing was complete and it was now time for it to return to its natural environment - the one it was created for. I am that eagle. Oh, how I despised the fettering at times. I fought against the hand that cared for me and tended my wounds. I wanted to be free from restraints. I wanted to do the things I was created for now! I did not understand that the battering and wounding that I endured had left me vulnerable, weak and an easy target for the enemy - that what was happening to me in His care - fettering and all - was for my own good and His ultimate purposes. 

Saturday, the Lord undid my fetters. He held up his hand and said "Fly. Catch the wind of my Spirit. Soar. Be all I created you to be."

Isaiah 40:31

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I don't know if I have been successful in conveying the spiritual significance of what I am trying to share. I don't even know if I fully understand it yet. Time will tell. As I move forward I feel confident that God will reveal to me where He and I are going and what I am to do. 

I rejoice in the knowledge that my wounds are healed and my chains are gone. I have been set free. I honor my Aunt Myrtle and give thanks to God for her life and give thanks that in her death, she has also been set free from the ties and bindings of this world. She is greatly loved and she will be greatly missed.