My Birthday Story

Today is my birthday. I like celebrating my birthday with writing - something from the Lord. I thought it was going to be a birthday poem, but God had something else in mind. He wanted to give me my birthday story.

Characters: God and an angel

Setting: Heaven

Format: Dialogue

This is where my birthday story begins:

Angel: You called me Lord?

God: Yes. Come near. I have something I want to show you.

(Angel approaches God with curiosity)

Angel: What is it that you are doing Lord?

God: I am creating a vessel of hope.

Angel: I can't believe I have been called to witness this sacred act of creation! Tell me Lord, what will he look like?

God: This is not a he. It is a she and she is very special to me. I want you to watch as I knit her together. It is very important that you pay attention.

Angel: Yes my Lord.

(Angel pressing in even closer with a serious look of concentration on his face. Time passes.)

Angel: You have been working on this one area for some time Lord and the detail is extraordinary. What is it that you are knitting?

God: The heart. I am taking my time with the heart because one day, my friend, this one will ask to have a heart like mine and this is no small request. Because she does not understand fully what it is that she is asking for, it is up to me to make sure her heart can carry such a burden.

Angel: Your heart! Surely you jest my Lord. How can something so fragile as a human being carry a heart like that of the Lord's?

God: I see your point friend and although it will not be easy, it is possible.

Angel: Where do you begin my Lord?

God: See this section here?

Angel: Yes.

God: I have started here because this section will play a very vital role in her life.

Angel: What is it my Lord?

God: Forgiveness.

(The angel glances up and locks eyes with the Lord. They share a moment of understanding about the power of forgiveness)

God: If it were not for her ability to forgive, the poison of the enemy would destroy her - things like anger, bitterness, and hatred would overtake her heart. She will endure heartache, heartbreak and heart sickness, but her heart will never be destroyed.

Angel: I see you have changed colors. What are you adding now?

God: Mercy, grace, humility, the capacity to love unconditionally. Other things she will need in order to have a heart like mine. See this mark right here?

Angel: Yes Lord. It looks like a word. Loving-kindness?

God: Yes. Loving-kindness. It is my heart-name for her. Do you understand what I have done?

Angel: I am not sure.

God: I have branded her heart. This name is permanent. Many things will come against it in an attempt to erase it from her identity, but all will fail. Her heart and this name will remain steadfast.

(Silence as the angel contemplates all the Lord has spoken. God breaks the silence)

God: Now, I will work on the feet that will go where I call them to go; the hands to serve how I call them to serve; and the mouth to speak what I have called it to speak.

Angel: These are wonderful things you are working into this vessel. I am in awe of your generosity. She is loved, indeed.

God: Would you like to know my special name for her?

Angel: Oh, yes Lord, very much!

God: She shall be called "Song of Joy."

Angel: Why did you choose that name Lord.

God: Because joy will be the thing that binds her to me when all else falls away. It will come out of her life like a sweet melody. It will give her strength in times of need. However, there is another purpose.

Angel: What would that be Lord?

God: To be shared with others. Joy is contagious! She will share her joy with many. She will spread it like honey on bread and serve it to all who will eat of it, so they too might find renewed strength in me. She will be known for her joy.

Angel: Lord, what are those dark spots?

(A moment of silence)

God: Those, my friend, are dark nights of her soul. They are the seasons when she will withdraw to a remote inner place and question the reason for her very existence. Where she will question mine. Her mind, will and emotions will be pressed to their limits. Her spirit will cry out in agony.

Angel: Isn't that dangerous Lord? I see that there are more than one. What if you lose her?

God: I will be near. She will not feel my presence, but I will be there. I will share in her anguish.

Angel: What will she do?

God: She must choose.

Angel: What is the choice?

God: The same as it has been from the beginning - to trust me.

Angel: What will the outcome be?

(God chuckles as He senses the angel's growing concern.)

God: I will tell you. This is the outcome. She will remember my Word. Like my servant Job, she too will cry out, "Though you slay me, I will trust in you." The truth of who I am will be revealed in greater measure. The truth of who she is will be revealed. I will not lose her. She will remain a vessel of hope in my hands. Refined, beautiful and precious to me beyond measure.

(The angel speaks with some eagerness in his voice)

Angel: May I ask you one more question Lord?

(With a twinkle in His eye, God replies)

God: Yes - go ahead.

Angel: Did you call me here to witness the creation of this vessel because I am to be her guardian?

God: Yes my friend. You are to be her guardian angel. You will walk with her all the days of her life. Does this assignment please you?

Angel: Oh yes, Lord! I am humbled to be chosen by you to guard over a vessel of hope - one that bears your image in her heart. Yes. I am very pleased.

God: Good. I am finished knitting her into her mother's womb. Ready yourself to go. Before you go, just know that she will need you from the very beginning. The enemy will plan her destruction from this moment forth. Though his plans are limited and will be used for my purposes in the end, she will suffer at his hand. Also know this, my plan for her life is eternal and fixed in her very DNA. My plan will be fulfilled in this vessel of hope that I know as Loving-kindness and Song of Joy and will now be known to the world as Carol.

My life verse:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Choose

I have been participating in a women's bible study this summer ("The Rest of Your Life: Discovering God's Rest in a Driven, Demanding, Distressing World," by Mary Andrews-Dalbey, Ph.D.) and it has really stirred up some things in my heart and soul. Mainly, God has been showing me areas in my life where I am still choosing to eat from the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. This tree tempts me into thinking that I can do things that only God can do - to be god-like in my abilities. I didn't even know that I was doing this! My true desire is to eat only from the fruit of the Tree of Life - the one where I can depend on God for all things. I plan to continue to ask God to reveal to me any area where I am making this mistake. I thank God, in His great mercy, for continually putting before me opportunities to have my mind renewed - for shining His light of revelation into these dark corners of my life.

I have listed a few of the differences between the trees and could go on and on, but I think these few words will be enough to illustrate my point.

Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil vs. Tree of Life

Duality Oneness Judgment Grace God-like burden Sabbath Rest Insecurity Belonging Worry Peace Fear Joy Inadequacy Completeness Blame Acceptance Pride Humility Deception Truth Bondage Freedom Death Life Curse Blessing... CHOOSE.

…I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live, loving the LORD your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him, for he is your life and length of days…

(Deut. 30:19-20)

Your Grace is Sufficient for Me

I wrote the following poem for the art board we have at our church. Each month there is a theme and anyone in the church can post a created work of art - painting, photography,writing, etc. This month's theme is grace. I love God's grace. I embrace it now, but that was not always the case. Contemplating this theme of grace, I remembered a day when I challenged God and in my weakened and messed up state, wanting His judgment over His grace. Life had severely beaten me down and I was very, very weary. I wanted to die. I could not bring myself to end my own life, so I thought if I provoked God, maybe He would give me the judgment I felt I deserved and He would take my life. In reality, in my heart of hearts, I recognized that the existence of God was my only hope and therefore, I desperately needed Him to reveal Himself to me. Thank goodness He is real and He did came to me in my darkest hour with life transforming power! Grace, grace, grace abounded! (Ironically, it wasn't in the scene I have described. It was a few months later. I will have to blog about it another time.)

The first part of this poem is based on my actual actions and the second part is based on a dream. Both come together to form a beautiful interpretation of God's grace toward me.

“Your Grace is Sufficient for Me”

I stand in an open field,

Watching the approaching storm.

I think to myself, “So, this is how it is to be.”

You have come to answer the challenge of my heart

And you have brought wind, thunder,

And lightning as your allies. I am ready.

Arms at my side, feet firmly planted,

I lift my face to the skies and I cry out,

“If you are real, reveal yourself to me! I dare you!”

My mind wonders, my thoughts drift.

“Strike me if you must, just show me if you are here.”

There, the words have gone forth.

My heart aches as I await your reply.

The pain held there cannot be endured much longer.

“Show me or I will surely die!” I whisper.

Raindrops begin to pelt my face.

Their sting is sharp and brings relief in some small way.

This is what I deserve, right? This is what I expect.

After all, I have been unfaithful.

My unbelief permeates the air even now.

The storm is directly above me.

I look up and brace myself for your judgment.

I hear familiar voices in my head calling to me,

“Run! Take shelter! Hide!”

I resist the temptation. I refuse to be moved.

I must know the truth. Here. Now.

Slowing the sky begins to change.

The blackness is peeled back.

Radiant light and deep blue skies appear.

The heavens are open and

Something is falling. Flowers!

Sweet, delicate flowers rain down on me.

Wait! What is this?

Where is my judgment?

The answer comes quickly and with

Beautiful, wonderful revelation.

“My grace.”

You laugh, I laugh. Joy washes over me.

I begin to dance.

Your grace is sufficient for me…

More Poetry

I am cheating a little on my blog today. I found some of my old poetry and thought I would "recycle" it. I have rewritten the poems a bit, so technically they are new. I guess this beautiful spring-like weather is inspiring me to be poetic! Speaking on inspiration, I just realized that my inspiration for both of these poems could have come from Exodus chapter 3 where God speaks to Moses from a burning bush. The "I AM" and holy fire themes are both in this chapter. Actually, I believe the first poem was inspired by a Sunday school lesson I was teaching. The second one most likely came to me during a time of seeking God's refinement. Stay tuned, I might find and post more old poetry. I save everything!

The Great “I AM”

“What is your name? Who shall I say you are?”

God speaks: “I AM WHO I AM”

The power of His voice goes forth

Reverberating throughout all creation

In the mighty clap of thunder

And the gentle splash of the raindrop

In the rumbling of the earthquake

And the gurgling of the mountain stream

In the fierce roar of the lion

And the gentle beating of the bird’s wings

In the warrior’s cry of triumph

And the newborn baby’s cry

Listen! Feel! Know!

The God of yesterday, today and forever

Is making His name known in the hearts of men

The Great "I AM"

HOLY FIRE

Look! There on the mountain!

A holy fire! A man within!

Righteous and pure and without sin

Burning bright, burning true

Beckoning to me, “I’ll see you through”

The journey begins here where I stand

Not hallowed ground, but right where I am

Bleeding feet and scarred knees

Is what this mountain is doing to me

Treacherous cliffs, from some I hang

Does He see me? Does He see my pain?

Yes! An outstretched arm, a helping hand

Back on my feet, now able to stand

The fire there is still calling you see

But wait, what is this change in me?

Oh, what a wonderful and glorious sight!

A gift of Hind’s feet for the climb through the night!

Upward, upward I must go

Never looking down, never looking below

At last, here I am at journeys end

He calls my name and I enter in

This all-consuming fire that is eternally Him

To be united with Him in one accord

This is my destination! This is my reward!

Scars of the Heart

I was reading chapter 20 of the Gospel of John this morning and I stopped at verses 19 and 20 to meditate on them and to appreciate them anew. These verses tell us that Jesus appeared to His disciples after His resurrection and He showed them His hands and His side. He was proving to them that it was indeed Him they were seeing, as evidenced by the crucifixion scars He still bore on His body. This passage brought back to my remembrance a poem I had written a few years ago about a different type of scar - scars of the heart.

This poem came out of a conversation I had with the Lord about past hurts. Here are some excerpts from my journal about what He spoke to me - followed by the poem this conversation inspired:

The Lord speaking to me -

"You ask me, 'What is this that runs across my heart Lord? What is this ridge, this road map of agony, of pain, of despair? Where did it come from? What do I do with it? Can it be taken away?' I, the Lord, say to you: This is your testimony. This scar inflicted upon your heart. When you look at the scar - touch it, ponder it and remember.

Remember me.

Do you remember how you got that scar? What injustice you suffered? The violence you endured? Do you remember the shame of the moment? The helplessness to stop the pain? Do you remember?

I Remember.

This is my testimony: I bear the scars on my hands, feet and my side. I bear the scar of the cross so that you might live. Your scars are heart scars. I was there when they were inflicted. I put my hand into that place of pain and I asked my Father to bring healing, to bring wholeness, to bring newness. I asked that I might carry the pain and shame of the suffering you endured that you might live.

I see your scars. I see your pain. I do more than see. I carry. I carry the scars of your heart in my heart. Why you ask? It is my testimony of love. I love. I love. I love. I love."

"Scars of the Heart"

A scar

A ridge across the heart

A hurt, a pain, a sorrow

A witness

A statement

A scar

Evidence of the past

Covered over, closed up

A memory

A thought

Ah! A greater understanding revealed

Compassion, mercy, grace

A new beginning

A fresh start

A scar

A place of remembrance

Healing, wholeness, restoration

A testimony

A story

The scar of my heart.

The cross

A thought, a memory, a story

A statement, a witness, a testimony

A new beginning, a fresh start

The scar of your heart.

The scar of my heart swallowed up by the scar of your heart

Enduring, embracing, erasing

A perfect gift

A sacrifice of love

The cross

Victim to Victor

Today I was reading the verses about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane (Luke 22:40 : Matt 26:36-46; Mark 14:32-42) and I began to contemplate how he must have felt as he faced the ordeal of the cross that was to come. I wondered if he was so distraught because he knew for the first time in his existence, he would be alone - set apart from his earthy friends and family, separated from his Father. This got me to thinking about the times that I have felt alone. Most of these times have been when I have been a victim to someone else's ungodly will. Now, I do not in any way believe Jesus was a victim. I know that he chose his path and could have changed his mind at any time. I guess I am just trying to say that I know that Jesus can relate to how it feels to be utterly alone and subject to peoples' ungodly desires. It lead me to write the following poems (or lines, not sure they are poems). The first is how I felt as a victim and the second is how I felt, and still feel, as a victor in Christ.

"Victim"

Silent screams

Begging heart

Longing for mercy

Needing rescue

Desperate

Trapped

Terror

Pleading

Humiliation

Deep Sorrow

Released at last

Overwhelming relief

Will know better next time

New strategies imagined

Escape routes planned

Be Still - Be small

Shhhh....

"Victor"

Out of the deep darkness comes a great Light extending His hand to me.

Lifting me higher and higher until the things of my past are just

A shadow in time

A sliver of darkness

A vapor of remembrance

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth."

(Psalm 121:1-2)

I will not look back for my heart is in the hands of the Keeper of Hearts.

Precious, gentle, tender care and restoration belong to Him.

I have found my resting place, my safe refuge.

I will not be moved.

The Divine Exchange

My Inborn Image of Me...

Depraved, corrupt, polluted, defiled, contaminated, evil, wicked, immoral, crooked, bent, rough, irregular, sinful, bad, harmful, naughty, misbehaving, mischievous, , impish, self-indulgent, self-pitying, weak, childish, wallowing, over emotional, dishonest, disabled, broken, wanton, willful, headstrong, stubborn, unmovable

oppression

bondage

darkness

death

for

His Reborn Image of Me...

Righteous, virtuous, moral, good, just, blameless, upright, honorable, honest, respectable, decent, worthy, first class, first rate, fine, excellent, high quality, superior, ethical, right, proper, principled, fair, impartial, truthful, innocent, spotless, clean, unblemished, untarnished, conscientious, thorough, careful, orderly, perfect, flawless, guiltless, above suspicion, straight, admirable, praiseworthy, highly regarded, well thought of, trustworthy, sound, dependable, reliable, of good standing, polite, civilized, well-mannered, courteous, sincere, frank, candid, straight forward, direct, open

liberty

freedom

light

life

"We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life." (Romans 6:3, NIV)

Thank you Lord for my new life!